Wise man. Wise words. Coming from someone who has experienced a lot of pain her entire life– but more deeply and paralyzing these past few years– I’ve seen how facing your pain and hurt head on can be the most beautiful life changer in this journey we call L I F E. I am beyond ecstatic, frightened, and anxious to write what God has been doing in me and through me these past few years of my “JOB” and JOSEPH” season but especially this past year. 2014 has been a year of complete and utter destruction. God has finally pulled out from under me the last things I was holding onto in my life causing a giant decision in front of me.
Follow Him with COMPLETELY EVERYTHING or turn the other way.
You see, when God finally takes EVERYTHING from you and the enemy has thrown you into the storm and the W A V E S just keep coming– when people, jobs, relationships, your health, your sleep, your ability to know what up and down and left and right is, your ability to get out of bed anymore without crying, your capacity to think clearly and sharply the way you used to, when you literally have no ounce of joy left in you and the only thing you can eat on all day is the anxiety, fear, depression, loneliness, and anger that continues to create a gaping hole in your heart and stomach, you can’t trust anyone anymore, LOVE becomes something that is painful rather than beautiful and healing, and “your plan” for your life gets ripped out beneath you and seems to as if stab you in the back and walk away—That is when you are sitting at the bottom of a pit and waves are crashing in from every angle and slowly drowning you and there seems no way out.
This moment came in early Spring 2014 and I had to make a decision. Who is God to me? Why am I here? What am I living for? Do I want to call myself a Christian anymore? It seems a lot harder than the alternative. And how will I ever LOVE again when people are HORRIBLE? They just turn around and stab you in the back and laugh about it.
I turned my social media off for 8 weeks. I cried every day for months. I wept through the nights getting less than 3 hours of sleep. I could barely make it through a workday. When I got home and walked upon the threshold of my front door, I stumbled inside and onto the floor into a crumpled mess every day in tears and my roommates would have to help me climb upstairs into my bed and hold me till I stopped shaking.
I had finally hit my breaking point. Over the past three years, I have had so many people die that I loved dearly. I had faced death myself and beat it like it was some sort of sick game. I had/have been seeing doctors for almost three years since that day—living in pain every day still. I have had countless friends betray, steal, hurt, and lie to me like it was nothing. But nothing compares to when you LOVE someone and they build up this castle in your head and crush it down and walk away without a clear explanation.
While they build this castle, they act like it is the most precious thing ever and manipulate and control the entire process of building it. They take things from you and continue to wear you down till you give into their every beck and call; you lose yourself completely. You make plans all around the revealing of this grand sand castle. You live in this delusional world that this sand castle maker has built for you, all while he knows very well that there is a storm coming and he is going to leave you behind while the castle and I get swept away with the ocean water. The storm comes and you reach out and he turns barely looking you in the eyes, doesn’t say goodbye and walks away; leaving you in the dark, cold storm on the beach with absolutely nothing- sand castle crumbling before your eyes.
No one is around to see you or save you, your heart breaking into a million pieces because you trusted him, and you’re not even left with your dignity or confidence. You are laying there as the tide rolls in; the wind and thunder are already brewing over your head and the waves start crashing.
You lay there slowly drowning, shivering from your nakedness because of his selfishness of taking not giving. The numbness begins to set in and you can’t believe this is happening and that you are here in this moment. ALONE. You have to save yourself.
I know what it is like to have everything and then nothing. 2014 was the very last straw that broke any semblance of a life I had left. From that point I cried out to GOD with everything I had within me which wasn’t much—cried out more than I had ever before in the past. I yelled out to GOD. WHAT IS NEXT? You have my attention. What do I have? NOTHING!! My heart cannot take this anymore. I am completely empty and heart broken.
That is when the Lord spoke to me and said….
AND THIS IS HOW ANCHORED HEART WAS BIRTHED IN MY HEART 😉